There are a lot of things I'd rather write about right now but unfortunately this topic is the number one thing on my mind and something that has been consuming all my energy and taking over all thoughts in my brain so it's only natural that its the first thing to be put into words when my hands start to type away. I struggle and have been diagnosed with depression since I was fifteen years old. I have been on numerous antidepressants over the past few years..as I am now approaching 20 years of life; however, none of them have fixed the problem or have caused breakthrough. Antidepressants were not my saving grace (HA get it, saving grace, like saving me ..because my name is Grace) but that's okay. Sometimes they don't work. A couple years have gone by now and I am noticing differences. My moods are fluctuating more than normal. I can go from one extreme high to one extreme low in a matter of minutes. I cannot for the life of me seem to be able to make decisions. Minor or important.. I have lost touch with myself and have fought hard to maintain relationships with people when this very sad part of me does everything to keep people at a distance or push them away completely. I do not understand how I feel or why. Some days are really good and some are really bad.
In the past , I would have never thought about writing any of this. I would've been too afraid to show this side of me to anyone in fear that they would run away, judge me, or make false assumptions about who I am. So why am I opening up about it now? And what purpose does it serve? ...
I have always been unable to identify my skills or gifts..if you will. Everyone is good at something. Growing up , my friends were good at volleyball and I wasn't or singing and I wasn't. I had to step back and try to figure out what I was good at.. and for the life of me I couldn't ever figure out my niche.
Dealing with all of these things I carry on my shoulders, I have started to wonder if my story is my gift. Maybe my purpose is to use it and help others. I have dreams of writing a book and it doing well. I cannot describe how good I feel when people come to me for advice or to talk about what is going on in their life. Maybe I am not meant to be an artist, an athlete , or any of the things I wanted to be good at so badly growing up. Maybe it is my words and the meaning I hold behind them. For the first time I am identifying the things about myself I never paid any attention to because I never deemed them as worthy enough. I refuse to give up and will not let go of the truths that remain.
Your feelings and perception are not always right. Always go back to what God says about you. You are known and you are loved. God is here for the mess. This is just what mine looks like. Use your mess and I believe that God can turn it into a masterpiece.